another battle begins...

after so long, we are going for another big battle... this time, heart tired, body tired everything just seems so damn bloody 'f'.  If I told people that it's okay, it's not at all.  Feel so lifeless, 6 year ~ not one day 2 days, I do know compared to others this may seems not so song but for me, it's enough.  I cant let my little princess keep battle with the pain.   I blaim everything now, WHY... WHY... WHY... 6 years not enough for her to be in this pain???? Why!!!! I colapse, cry... sighs damn god, why you do this to this little creature.  She don't deserve to be treated this way.  Please spare her a life.  If by praying to you not getting any repond from you, I guess I would have to scold, screaming and do whatever to let you get my message now. 

Yes, I am willing to be punished, be exchange my life for her.  Spare her now.  Since you gave her to me, then please let me have her whole heartedly.  Not now, it's too cruel of you.  By taking her, you are taking mine too.  I am begging you to give her to me and cure her.  Return her healthly to me.  I can't be mercyly asking nicely as for 6 years you don't hear me.  They always said, god only gave you what you can take ~ BS.  Honestly I am going crazy and only thinking of going to take my life now.  Why on earth you doing this to human being.  Be it you don't want us live peacefully don't create us......arghhhhhhhhhh why

I hope I can still hang in there or else...... it's indeed too tired to live like this.  Take me please!!!

life..

visited my little frenz few days ago, Phoenix heart aching.  It reminded Phoenix her own journey started 4 yrs ago... well, Phoenix is still learning to cope till today.  Phoenix truely understand the pain, the lost, the uncertainty of the situation.  Encourage the parent always gave Phoenix more strenght as it motivate Phoenix in return. 

My little frenz, very tough and strong boy.  He's shy seeing me, but he try his best to be his best - well done boy, you've done great!!!   We might not be as tough as you, however, you've let us know how life can be so wonderful.

I can sense the fear in them, but please dont ever give up as he never give up although he's so weak now.  A bit of our smile and encouragement will make him feel better and proud.  He's always the bright boy we know.  Cheeky as he's and playful in his own way.

Brave daddy, please don't be upset.. everything will be alrite!!   you've done great too.  jia you jia you still jia you... Phoenix truly feel him, tired, exhausted,  no matter how he do his best to keep his little one at comfort.  Fatherly love!  My little frenz, your dad will always be there for you.. you both must jia you together!!

Mommy, believed in him.  Gave him your very best.  He need you and most of all your undivided, unconditional love.  Don't doubt, just be there for my little frenz.  No one will know what's the outcome till the last moment.  Phoenix can really understand this whole situation, Phoenix is the true life cases.  Watever, mommy taught off... Phoenix do!  Phoenix have being practising Nichiren Buddism for long time.. remember how soka member and my family member support me emotional - thank you for just be there for me when Phoenix needed them most. 

Keep your faith close to you and please do not gave up any hope as our little one is true warrior!  Before they gave up fight we will be their most trusted front liner. 

Remember you're not alone as Phoenix will always keep my little frenz and family in my prayers.. and there's others in C family be with your unconditionally.  Prayers will always be there for you my little frenz... listen to our prayers and remember tat we will always luv u! as long as u want to fight on, we will support u all the way... go go boy!

New Adventure..

2011.. have being really great year... everything seems to be bang bang bang.. for me it's indeed a buzy, buzy still buzy day.. it's being more then 4 months Phoenix didnt visited any frenz blog and more important update on Phoenix blog hmmmm it should be somethg to be proud with hahahhaha as tis means phoenix is really bz with her venture.

Phoenix have visited one paradise.. wow.. Phoenix just fall in luv with this place, thing have being moving well there as well and 'cross my finger' should there be everythg goes smoothly YES! tat would be my dream home

gambateh.. Phoenix can do it.. make the impossible possible!!

keep going...

it's being bz days getting all the planning in place and schedule fixed.   it's all worth it.  all the hard work, effort, time, money... not wasted.  although tired, phoenix still happy.  there's will there's way.. never give up single hope, nothing is impossible with willing heart.

cheerssss

bao bei happy b'day

it's 4 yrs ord.. bao bei, mommy wish u good health and happy always.  on the day of her b'day, daddy sent you a b'day message ; Happy Birthday to bao bei, daddy and mummy love you very much and be happy always! from daddy on 5th sept 2010, 12am.

when u read this blog one day, do remember tat how much we luv u.. u must luv urself as you're our life and we luv u wholehearted.  we have fight for your life so you must treasure every second of it and lead a meaningful and colourful life everyday.

just finish watch one show on tv... about one mother who nvr ever thinking to lost hope as her son is blind from young.. she let him go to normal school as she want him to grow up as normal as possible.. he's 14 today.. and told the world, 'mom, i might not be able to see your face for this life, however, if there's next life i hope i'll still be able to find u and be your son'

last week my princess was admitted to hospital for 'suspected dengue' huh... at first it was just normal fever.. gave her fever syrup.. first day okay.. second day okay .. third day.. hmmm hw come her body tempreture seems not so OK.. after a thought.. asked her dad tat just came home to send us to clinic to check... the doc. straight away do blood test as there's too many dengue reported...

blood taken, doc. came out from his lab.. mdm, i think u'll have to bring ur gal to hospital now immediately as her blood pallete only at 24 plus.. huh my heart drop at tat point as normal shld be between 100-150... gosh panic.. tears just keep falling ... called grandma, call yima calling for help and motivation... call god call whoever for motivation....

straight away admitted her, blood taking... princess cried her heart out it's really painful hearing her screaming for help.. both her hand and foot all blue black... first dengue test - negative.. do second time - negative.. huh as other then her blood pallete drop there's others ... blood Phoenix dun understand wat's tat but it's part of blood as well also drop.. makes doc. worried same make Phoenix worried.. called our spore specialist doc. for princess..to standby in case any emergency we will rush there.. haiz... it's really scared me to hell ... tat time Phoenix keep asking for mercy of great do not ever take her from me.. it's not her time yet... please please please.. first nite cant sleep as worried her fever will up.. second nite her blood pallete still no up.. 3rd day still not up... Phoenix keep chanting and get member to help to chant for Princess.. 4th day... her blood finally make improvement increase to 46 then nite time 76.. then next day 106 huh.. we've finally won the battle again tis time.. it's finally diagnose at viral fever.. :(

thank you those tat send regards, my cousin tat visited us although she's bz with her work... and my family tat keep supporting me .. not forgetting the doc. and nurse at hospital tat's so frenzly and caring during our stay there as Princess condition is special tat's why they've pay extra care on her.. thnk you very much for all your frenzly care... may u be blessed wth gd health

battle

it's being a while since the last visit from Phoenix.. thnking of update latest happening here.. Princess done her follow up for her eyes... great improvement .. yeeepeee so happy.. no need operations so far as per optologist thnks god being mercy with her.  Follow up wth her neuro too.. as advice we're going to wean off one of her med. hmmm.. quite worried the last few days.. as worried the worst might happen.. keep the emergency dose close to Phoenix all the time... pls pls pls pls gohonzon.. protect her from any harm... it's being more then 3 yrs... pls pls pls pls pls.. it's enough as Phoenix really feel heart pain and sometimes really stop breathing when the thg happen... as she's part of me.. it feels so painful and helpless only mercy of the great and help...Phoenix beg for mercy shld there be anythg tat need to be done... let Phoenix handle it... don't harm the little body anymore .. she's tired too... Phoenix still believe in miracle.. Nam Myo-ho Renge Kyo... it's like a roar of lion... turn the poison to medicine.. we will win tis battle... and must win in this battle YES.. baobei we can do it ;)

Never Give Up

http://news.yahoo.com/video/us-15749625/autistic-student-s-inspirational-graduation-speech-20371829

Just watch the link above and it really inspire Phoenix lots.  Yah always believe there's hope, never give up... there's will there's way!

sickness...

As normal human being Phoenix guess there's no way we can excape from 'sickness' big or small .... sometimes really thinking why it happen.. share lots wth tinkerbell lately on tis topics.. hahahaha we're all lay man so it's pretty normal getting discourage when heard nt so gd news.. ppl said we thnk too much.. nt thnk is also problem ... remember one of my gd frenz told me... spend while we can as some ppl can even enjoy ord be angel khi hahahahaha...it's really interesting talking about tis topics.

Remember Phoenix told her frenz before.. if spend all gt emergency how??? her frenz replied : so many emergency lor .... neh... gam gam gt emergency happen lor hahahahaha tat's why it's hard for us to predict what's going to happen coz no matter hw great u're... we are not GOD!  saw this sentence last few days.. god give and take so treasure every moment possible. 

Honestly talk about 'sick' phoenix very phobia...... lately health nt so gd.. cant really breath normal, getting giddy lots, there's time phoenix asking not to be angel so fast hahahahaha coz worried it might happen ... we cant predict what's next ;p sigh... do hope grant me longer life hehehehehe coz lots of thg not done and complete and lots of lots of ... thg want to do.. havent really enjoy Phoenix life yet so......be mercy wth Phoenix ;) hahahahaha

hmmm need to continue my assignment again... zzzz

Tired..

feeling really tired.. tired of life tired of everything... dun knw why just feeling very very very very tired.. s$%^... sometimes really thinking why should we need to go through all this... will there be a better world then here???  a lot of times, really have a thought tat leaving this world and go to another world should be better.. will it!!! sigh.. c how long can stay put.................... everything seems to be so far to reach.. everything done is nt rite... every... all wrong... just feeling very very tired.. shld have a rest nw.. zzzzz

arghhhh

haiz.... sitting on her desk one whole day can't even get something out of her brain... s#$%^^(@*$!@#$%^&* really frust... tis one really hard ah ma woi..... dead man.... tat's make Phoenix visit her blog a while.. it's being a while since she stop writing as need to concentrate on her assignment and project.. however, today is really a bad darn day.... nothing .. NOTHING frm her brain... cham cham .. clock is tickling ah pa woi... hahahhahaa haiz.. forget it.. need to have gd rest nw.. tomorrow then only start to crack tis brain... arghhhhhhhhhh sob sob... 

happy..

Completed one of my assignment a while ago.. huh... happy happy ... still gt 5 more to go... jia you jia you.. rush like no body business... still happy heheheh at least gt some improvement ...

bye bye... ironman :(

sigh... today Phoenix 'ironman' finally rest in peace... poor 'ironman' as she is Phoenix fav. but what to do... when it's time, let go - that's what we learn rite! so peacefully Phoenix send her Ironman to graveyard.  Since ord planned to get one more companion.. Ironman was replaced by 'siao pai' and Phoenix get another frenz for 'siao pai' that's 'pinky'.  oh yah.. Phoenix gt 'lao pai' with her for about a year now present from Tinkerbell.  For now Phoenix have 3 companian 1) lao pai 2) siao pai and pinky... do hope they live happily together and live long at least for 3 yrs la hehehehe..

k all the above companian is Phoenix handphone wakakakaka...

Expectation!

Someone told Phoenix.. "that kid is 3 yrs old and he's so chatty"... hmmmm at first Phoenix dun really feel anything .. but after yesterday nite sleep.. erm .. feel a bit 'tired'. 

Do really understand! As parents there's always expectation for our kid, to be smart then others, to be better then others, everything if can... better then others.  Before having own kids, Phoenix ord have a planned tat shall raise her kid up 'happy'.  Whether they're 'smart' or not, more important they must be growing up happy and well.  How many successful people is really doing well when they were 'young'?   yah, indeed it is not easy to bring up kid like my gal.  Imaging have to feed princess every morning and evening without fail or else there might be complication.  It pains Phoenix heart and it serve a reminder to Phoenix to live everyday to fullest.  Enjoy every moment of our life. 

Someone asked Phoenix 'since she's okay now, dun have to c specialist'!!!! well, may Phoenix throw this ball back to them?  what will they respond? will you let your kid suffer should you still able to afford the fees?   why let her take so many vitamins? hmmm if dun have to.. will any parents still do so?  don't let her go to 'tat' school?  who dun wish to provide your kid the best ever school..... well, Phoenix indeed very upset when ppl sometimes just so ignorance and keep repeated throwing this question back to Phoenix.  and the best part is should they are same person... @#$%^&*!@#$^#% most of the time Phoenix just smile and walk away but deep inside it hurts :(

Phoenix keep moving and live for her gal now, so please do not hurt her feeling further as that's the main goal of her life.. Phoenix enjoy her day with her princess.  It might not easy but for Phoenix, thing happen for reason! it regardless what ppl said ... let it be cause she's my kid.. I'll love her no matter what happen.. blessed us instead of so many untowards comments.

Phoenix expectation for her princess - live well and happy
Phoenix expectation for those who care - be happy

hihihihi

Sori ya members.. need to remove my 'virgin' slide as ... want to do more pro one so.. wait for next one ya.. but hor.. have to wait about 2 months as Phoenix is really busy rushing for her assignments and project.. (cross her fingers) hope can completes by then or else.. have to wait longer wahahahaha..

luv ya!

my fav food

hmmm going to eat all my fav. food, assam laksa, rojak, fried siakap with soy sauce, manggo salad, abc special, bak kut teh, fish curry, japanese food, korean food, steamboat, sambal fish, gong gong,  bbq salt fish, sea ham, fish head bee hoon, dim sum, porridge, wah wah wah.. all my fav.  when back at Sibu only eat cha sian... heard about tat name also scared... but my Naruto luv it hahahaha..

tis saturday going to have thai manggo salad first.. miss this so much yum yum

yeah Naruto.. make it!

Yesterday, Naruto show me his BM results... wah tremendous improvement! good job Naruto.. jia you jia you! c as long as we put in more effort it wont be wasted. 

Often the greatest adversity we face is the opposition that takes place inside of us - our own self doubts

It isn't always others who enslave us.  Sometimes we let circumstances enslave us; sometimes we let routine enslave us; sometimes we let things enslave us; sometimes, with weak wills, we enslave ourselves - Richard L. Evans

Naruto... next trip Phoenix back do hope to c further improvement k... luv u

Back at HOME

Feel so good to be HOME... Phoenix miss her home so much as this is the place where she find her own self the most.  Do what she like.. what she want... what she loves... yeah.. home is the best.  After so many months doing setting up of Phoenix business.. the first phase is done! Great relieved.. feeling really happy!  Learn lots of thing in this process.. thank you sifu for your advice and information. 

It is indeed not easy to do own business hehhehehe.. but if don't try how we know rite..it's really great experiences.. running up and down, right and left, back and forth... sometimes getting dizzy coz lost direction.. from one department to another department.. one floor to another floor.. cham...if this what all the business owner do??? hahahaha crazy man... Phoenix really hope the 'government' can plan something more flexible and advance for this kind of processes... can do online bah!! now so high-tech ord still do manual work... waste taxpayer money..

Being at hometown so many months was great experiences as well.  Leaving hometown more then 10 years ago to further study and work make Phoenix hardly be back hometown for more then a month period.  As this time is for business purposes, Phoenix back hometown for more then ... hmmmm.. wah.. nearly 6 months... time flies ... hearing lots of updates of all my family members hahahahaha... Phoenix luvs them lots .... whenever Phoenix need someone to help ... there's someone sure be there to help up!  that's what we call FAMILY!

Phoenix have one Big Family... we hardly differentiate by 'cousin' 'nephew' and bla bla bla as for us... we are one 'FAMILY'! respect each other is more important in our FAMILY it's regardless young and old, big or small.  Honestly it was really hard to find family like ours hahahahaha.. our family really BIG wakkakakak even Phoenix get confuse most of the time who is who... don't care la as long as they smile at Phoenix... Phoenix smile la wahahahahah.. more is better bah ;P  remember this year CNY, some of Phoenix cousin have to self intro to Phoenix as Phoenix totally dun have any clue who are they hahahahhahaa... looking at their cute face make Phoenix feel fully and admire this little boys... Phoenix getting older & forgetful each day so hope you all can remember Phoenix instead hehehehee..

Read Tinkerbell post a while ago... hahahahaha yah indeed when Phoenix small no one dare to come close to Phoenix... same goes to today my dear.. hehehehe oh ya one thing need to be corrected.. Phoenix only tell the truth k ;P so... dun complaint wakakakakaka... coz u gals too many secret babe la la la la la...  Phoenix luv to be those that true to heart so... you know who u are hahahahaha.. Phoenix not the person that know how to keep unhappiness 'inside' ... Phoenix is an open book... happy or not.. it all shows hahahahahaha.. this is what we call personality babe wakakakakkaa..

F - reedom
A - ttitude
M - agnanimity
I - ndependent
L - oyalty
Y - outh

That's what family stand for.. so enjoy ya!  till we meet again ;P